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Recently I saw a funny facebook groups taking Chuck Norris jokes and spinning them to make a Neville Longbottom/Hogwarts version.
| QUOTE |
*Facts About Neville*
Chuck Norris' boggart is Neville Longbottom.
--Me
*
Neville urinates Felix Felicis.
--Demetriuous Lymon
*
If Grindewald and Voldemort were to get in a fight, Neville would win.
--Celia Quillian
*
Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Neville Longbottom bites the heads off of Hippogriffs.
--Andrea Spraycar
*
Neville is one-eigth centaur. This has nothing to do with bloodline; he once ate an entire centaur.
--Jamez McShane
*
Neville Longbottom sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled bad-ass wizarding ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Neville Expelliarmus'd the devil's ass and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play Exploding Snap every second Wednesday of the month.
--Callie Lawrence
*
The Sorting Hat is no longer used at Hogwarts; students are sorted based on how long it takes them to cry in the presence of Neville Longbottom.
--Brittany Niccum
*
When Harry and Ginny's children were conceived, Ginny was thinking of Neville. So was Harry.
--Peter Chainey
*
Voldemort didn't light the Sorting Hat on fire; the Sorting Hat combusted because it touched Neville Longbottom.
--Me
*
Neville Longbottom turned me full on gay.
--Anthony Rachal
*
Nicolas Flamel created the philosopher's stone. Neville Longbottom created Nicolas Flamel.
--Kayleigh Bosnick
*
Neville uses Nagini's blood as soy sauce.
--Matt Jacobson
*
If you spell "Neville Longbottom" in Scrabble, it's an automatic win.
--Kimberly Marie Golden
*
Harry's chest tatoo isn't a Hungarian Horntail, it's a portrait of Neville.
--Matthew McLaughlin
*
Bellatrix never actually tortured Neville's parents. She just threatened to kill their son and they laughed themselves into insanity.
--Nathan Corliss
*
Even though it was difficult getting four dragons for the Triwizard Tournament, the officials decided it was safer than the original plan of using Neville.
--Nathan Corliss
*
Neville Longbottom is the reason that the Cauldron is Leaky.
--Nathan Corliss
*
Muggles don't know about Lord Voldemort, but they do know about Neville Longbottom.
--Nathan Corliss
*
In kindergarten, Neville killed a Death Eater for Show and Tell.
--Mike Case
*
If Neville had a myspace, he'd have more friends than Tom.
--Heidi Moore
*
Originally, there was a spell called "Neville Longbottom" but when cast in a duel, both wizards would explode leaving nothing more than a smear of blood and a fraction of wand. They quickly changed this spell to the much weaker "Avada Kedavra."
--Rebecca Krznarich
*
Neville Longbottom doesn't bow to hippogriffs. Hippogriffs bow to Neville Longbottom.
--Carrie Wittmer
*
If you're looking for Neville on the Marauder's map, he's labeled "BAMF."
--Ben Mapa
*
Thestrals can only see Neville Longbottom if they've witnessed someone dying.
--Fridolin Heer
*
Neville became Head Boy AND Girl. No one dared comment.
--Melissa E
*
They said Dumbledore was the only man Voldemort was afraid of. They lied.
--Michelle Varner
*
They were going to release a Neville Longbottom edition of clue but the answer always turned out to be "Neville Longbottom, in the courtyard with a sword."'
--Kayla Yates
*
Dumbledore seriously considered calling it The Order of Neville Longbottom before he settled on The Order of the Phoenix.
--Carla Jimenez
*
King Leonidas and the 300 were Neville Longbottom's bitches.
--Ryan Figueroa
*
Neville Longbottom is what's beyond the veil.
--Suzi Ditman
*
Neville's blood has thirteen uses.
--Seth Just
*
Even phoenix tears won't cure wounds inflicted by Neville Longbottom.
--Erin Ouellette
*
Neville needs a remembrall not because he has a poor memory, but merely because he accomplishes too much to remember.
--Mandan Naderi
*
Neville's patronus is Neville, because nothing else is badass enough to represent him.
--Andy Weissler
*
Merlin got an Order of Neville, Third Class.
--Jamal Hill
*
Neville Longbottom created the Department of Mysteries when he got bored with making every damn discovery.
--Lance Sawyer
*
Someone once asked Neville if there was alien life out in the universe. Neville replied, "There used to be."
--Zack McAfee
*
When Severus Snape looks into Neville Longbottom's mind, he only sees a sword coming at his neck.
--Billy Garcia
*
Neville Longbottom cut off the Hog's Head. He was just practicing for Nagini.
--Chris Masterson
*
Neville is listed in "Fantasic Beasts and Where to Find Them" with a Ministry of Magic Classification XXXXXX. This classification was created specifically for Neville.
--Sharmin Abbasi
*
God first created man. Thinking he could do better, God created women. Then God created Neville Longbottom.
--Jeff Brunelle’s Beautiful Girlfriend
*
Neville Longbottom taught the Veela how to dance.
--Sarah Ferris
*
When Neville Longbottom golfs, he uses a snake for the ball, and a sword for the club.
--Chris French
*
Hogwarts no longer teaches Defense Against the Dark Arts, they just hand out Neville Longbottom masks.
--Kyle Boger
*
Trevor the toad never really escapes. Neville Longbottom sends Trevor hunting for other students' pets.
--Laura Maurice
*
Before Neville punched it, it was known as Horizont Alley.
--Alexander Nicholson
*
Neville Longbottom sectumsempra'd his way out of his mother's womb. Ever since, muggles have called this operation a "C-section".
--Blake Mundell
*
Neville Longbottom wears a Lethifold as a cape.
--Philip Brooks
*
When Neville uses the knight bus, he calls himself Harry Potter to avoid all the attention.
--Nora Stedman
*
It was once suggested that "Diagon Alley" be changed to "Longbottom Alley." The idea was almost immediately cast aside, because nobody crosses Neville Longbottom and lives.
--Chris Faria
*
Most people can slam doors. Neville can slam Floo powder.
--Katie Fontes
*
Neville's alphabet soup only ever contains four letters: B, A, M, and F
--Nora Stedman
*
There is no Night and Day. Only Neville saying "Lumos."
--Victor Ryan
*
Neville Longbottom is often transported to the Room of Requirement, because the Room Requires Neville.
--Melissa O and her brother
*
When Draco Malfoy found out he was worth a whole 12th of Neville Longbottom, he cried for joy.
--Adam Dixon
*
The wizard prison was originally named after Neville - it used to be Bad-Asskaban.
--Cordi Morrison
*
When Neville Apparates, he doesn't move -- the rest of the world shifts according to his design. The fact that this causes disasters like the Asian tsunami to occur is of little consequence to Neville.
--Alexander Nicholson
*
The sorcerer's stone can give people immortality. Neville can take it away.
--Gavin Begg
*
Polyjuice Potion is only rationed because Neville got sick of losing all his bodily hair.
--Claire Stone
*
Voldemort and the Death Eaters were actually created in the Room of Requirement. Neville walked passed it 3 times thinking he needed some opponents who were not laughably pathetic in comparison to him. Some things, not even magic can do.
--Jason Taibi
*
They thought of making a Neville puppet for Potter Puppet Pals...but nobody makes fun of Neville Longbottom and wakes up the following morning.
--Mle Larkin
*
Followers of Voldemort are known as "Death Eaters." Followers of Neville Longbottom are know as "Death Eater Eaters."
--Jordan Smith
*
"Voldemort killed yer parents, 'arry", said Hagrid. "And then 'e came upstairs for you. O'course, what 'e didn't know wuz that they wuz babysitting Neville at the time..."
--Steve Cooper
*
Bound by the full Body-Bind curse, surrounded by Dementors and giants with his wand snapped in half, Neville Longbottom laughed to himself and said "I have them right where I want them."
--Michael Selleck
*
Originally, Professor Dumbledore was going to have Neville Longbottom guard the Sorcerer's Stone. But he couldn't figure out how to defeat him to get it back, so he went with plan B.
--Matt Allen
*
Neville was standing on the Vatican balcony with the Pope and someone said “Who’s that up there with Neville?”
--Shay Shay
*
Not to be outdown, after Mrs. Weasley took out Bellatrix, Neville brought her back to life and killed her again.
--Rachel Gilbert
*
Professor Quirrel didn't have to fake his stammer in Neville's presence.
--Chris Faria
*
Neville Longbottom listens to Mandrake cries on his iPod for entertainment.
--Simon Nicholson
*
Voldemort's Boggart is Trevor.
--Shafkat Hossain
*
To access the Marauder's Map, and Neville has to say is "I'm Neville Longbottom...bitch..."
--Giacomo Calabria
*
****
Group ID=3313829083 |
Anyway, was wondering if anyone else here was interesting in coming up with other good ones? XD
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